A Moment In Time That Clearly Defines Our Strength
As I mentioned sometime back, my ex-boyfriend was a Narcissist. He truly took great pleasure in humiliating me and hitting me for the entertainment of others. The fact is I thought that was love and that’s the way I deserved to get it. I endured this for almost 12 years. I say almost because some time in between he went to prison for 2 years and I “waited” I was the lucky girl that he choose to “wait” for him. And the many opportunities he gave me to leave. Like the one’s where he would say
I’m not good enough for me. You deserve more.
And on the flip side he would say:
You can’t leave me. I will die without you. You’re the reason I can deal with this.
The problem wasn’t him, he was clear on his intention to humiliate me and keep me as a tool for his pleasure. The problem was my ability to know my self worth. My self confidence was depleted from childhood and now going into the age of relationship, my choice would match the way I felt about myself.
When in a relationship with someone there are somethings you can be sure of, one of those things is the ability to compromise. Depending on how you value yourself, those compromises can deplete you of your true self. I spent 12 years allowing myself to be swallowed by a narcissist, because I thought I needed to compromise myself in order to be loved. I was not worthy of being loved as me. I needed to let him abuse me and humiliate me and I would hope that in return he would love me. And maybe one day he would love me enough to change. He would love me enough to see that he was hurting me and that all I wanted was to be loved.
That doesn’t ever happen with a narcissist because their purpose is to keep you from feeling confident. People usually get into relationships for love, the need to connect and the longing to bond with another. Narcissist do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others. They thrive on your insecurities. That works perfect for someone who is codependent and does not see the value in themselves.
I have to honestly say in the 12 years of enduring this type or relationship, I remember asking more times for him to change than I did for me to be strong enough to walk away. I honestly felt that without him I would die. He was what I needed to be complete. And there were the glimpse throughout our relationship that would validate it was possible.
What is it that had to change to make this be a part of my past and no longer my present?
Get a tribe! Others that believe in your success.
Dig in and get dirty. Somewhere someone told you weren’t enough, that needs to go away. Immediately! But you need to know where it came from so you can release, truly.
Have dreams! Without dreams, there is just another day. You need dreams that does not include your constant pain but it does include your gratitude for another day. It should never be just another day.
It took me 12 years to get to that one moment where I looked him in the face and said
Goodbye forever. You and I will no longer ever be a part of each others life. I am finally free.
From there, I had to rebuild my life, my self esteem, my confidence and eventually go on a journey to learn what it was to love myself enough that I was no longer judging or hurting all that is around me. This is the journey we all should be taking. The one that keeps you free from harms way. The one that wakes you in the morning with a smile and gets you in bed with content.
Bad relationships can do more than destroy your confidence, it can destroy your career, your health and other valuable relationships around you. Detox from the belief that keeps you from walking away. You are more valuable than wasting time and energy with someone that doesn’t value you. They don’t need to change for you, you need to learn, grow and walk away.
Let’s connect if you want to get healthier and free yourself from toxic habits keeping you from being your happiest, healthiest self